Have you ever heard the legendary tale of Wolf Girl and Fake James Spader? It's a tale as old as time: Boy looks like James Spader. Boy meets Wolf Girl. Boy and Wolf Girl live happily ever after... maybe?
Strap yourself in for a wild ride, because this story contains as many plot twists as an M. Night Shyamalan film.
On October 25, a Twitter user by the name of Sarah Gailey made the Internet an offer it couldn't refuse.
Who wants to hear the story of the date I witnessed between Wolf Girl and James Spader's Lonely Doppleganger? I HOPE IT'S YOU— Sarah Gailey (@Sarah Gailey)1508978652.0
The story starts off somewhat innocuously.
So I take myself out to Fancy Alone Dinner bc I'm a Fancy Alone Lady now and I get to do things like order duck for one. I get all cozy.— Sarah Gailey (@Sarah Gailey)1508978708.0
Shortly after being seated, she looks up from her menu to see a man who looks oddly familiar.
A fella sits at the adjacent table. I do a double-take, because I'm like 98% certain that it's James Spader, but th… https://t.co/d2yZTWH62a— Sarah Gailey (@Sarah Gailey)1508978803.0
He then proceeds to stare at Gailey strangely for what feels like a very long time.
He sits there for like 20 minutes while I eat my duck. Half the time he is staring at me like he wants to say somet… https://t.co/nesBpl9FDr— Sarah Gailey (@Sarah Gailey)1508978886.0
The fake Spader's date for the evening appears.
via: TwitterGailey describes her as looking somewhat unkempt, which is explained when she gives her reasoning for being late: She was at a RAVE and lost track of time. To be fair, hasn't that happened to everyone? It's hard to look at your watch whilst raving.
Then, fake Spader asks a very important question.
via: TwitterIt's here where we find out how Wolf Girl got her rather strange moniker. She's wearing a WOLF. ONESIE. Take a minute to imagine this whole scene playing out.
Fake Spader seems somewhat uneasy about this wardrobe choice.
via: TwitterWolf Girl then proceeds to "raarr" at the poor man who got all dressed up in a suit for the occasion. Although we're wondering how he didn't see this coming if he knows this girl even a LITTLE bit.
Then, in yet ANOTHER mind-blowing twist, this happens.
via: TwitterFake Spader drops a bomb that makes us think that maybe these two people are actually perfect for each other after all.
For some unknown reason, fake Spader seems to think that pigs regularly consume cats.
via: TwitterWe were not aware of this fact, and are pretty sure it is complete crap. But fake Spader seems pretty adamant about it.
Gailey and the waitress share a moment of disbelief at the sheer insanity of the couple beside them.
At this point, the obviously eavesdropping waitress and obviously eavesdropping me exchanged a glance like https://t.co/22QmoQjtMC— Sarah Gailey (@Sarah Gailey)1508979704.0
But it gets even better, somehow.
via: TwitterSpader goes on to explain to his ridiculously gullible date that pigs in fact dine on an almost exclusively cat-based diet. Who knew? Not Wolf Girl! And it seems to have changed her whole outlook on life.
And finally, the pièce de résistance:
via: TwitterThere's almost too much craziness going on here to fully process. It leaves us with so many questions. Her fake ID? How old is she?! His ex-wife? How old is HE?! Why does he regularly patronize his ex-wife's bar? Why are they still spending time together after both revealing that they're complete nutjobs? ...and do pigs really eat cats? If you know the answers to any of these questions, please let us know ASAP.