This Year’s Crazy New Christmas Tree Trend Isn’t Actually a Tree at All

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Christmas tree trends are like brush fires. They happen every year, flame brightly for a moment and then disappear in a blaze of glory… or to the basement, where all ignominious and ill-planned mistakes are retired, so they may never again see the light of day or offend their makers with gross reminders of their stupidity.

Some people would argue that they still are – that fake, gaudy artificial trees are symbolic of the fake, gaudy artificial nature of Christmas, which (those same people would add) is actually a pagan holiday. Doesn’t matter to us, Christmas is about family and trying to hide the fact that you’ve gotten drunk because you poured Baileys in the eggnog.

Somehow, somewhere, in the god-awful recesses of the interwebs (or some god-awful person’s mind), people decided that stacking your Christmas tree upside down was a desirable thing – that it was somehow fashionable.

If we could say it with a French accent and a scarf flung carelessly over our neck while we mulled over a glass of wine and looked judgmentally down at the fools who participated in this atrocity, we definitely would too.

Author J.K. Rowling posted this amazing tree, which had a crab on top. We’ve heard of strange Christmas tree toppers over the year, but a crab is… unexpected. Also, we’re not sure what creels are, we’re just going to take her word for it that they’re super cool. Wait, what’s this? We’re hearing Merriam-Webster says that a creel is “a wicker basket (as for carrying newly caught fish)?” Cool, we guess.

You just gotta appreciate the sheer creativity and good-old-fashioned holiday spirit it takes to make a tree out of a chair and a caution sign. A freaking caution sign! God bless this person. But this isn’t the new Christmas tree trend all the hot kids are doing in the streets…

You heard me, pineapples, as in the succulent fruit with the magnificent crown of green leaves which some people (Hawaiians) have even made into wine.

They were even this year’s new Jack O’ Lantern trend, and we have to say they looked perfectly ghoulish. Pumpkins beware, pineapples are coming for your throne.

Look at that sultry golden color, shimmering underneath those green bristles. Can you deny how luxurious it is? How supple? Pineapple, the sexiest of fruits.

We see what you tried to do there, but NOPE. Next time, buddy, just spend the money on an actual pineapple. We get you have a sense of humor and all, but hell naw.

They’re sleek (well, okay, they’re bristled) they’re sexy, and they’re ironic in the way using a tropical fruit for your winter celebration is ironic, so point is, they’re your brush fire of this Christmas season. Get ’em while they’re hot.