Trump Doesn’t Exactly Stack up Next to Guys Who Are Actually 6’3” and 239 Pounds

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The American public waited with bated breath as President Donald Trump underwent his first official medical exam as commander-in-chief. What is it about this man that makes him the way he is? It’s got to be something.

A deep-rooted medical issue would explain away his incredible greed and penchant for grabbing women without their consent. Maybe he has tremors and that’s why he can’t drink water like a normal person. Perhaps he really did have a stroke when he slurred his words in that speech.

Finally, we were going to have some answers…

This included a cognitive test that he voluntarily took to assess whether or not he is cognitively impaired at all. Trump earned a perfect score. He knows what a lion looks like. Great. Trump was listed at 6’3″ and 239 pounds in Dr. Jackson’s report. All his numbers seemed normal. But it didn’t take long for people to start poking around. It became clear to many that if Trump was listed as one pound heavier or one inch shorter, he would be classified as obese. The numbers, it seemed to some, conveniently skimmed that bracket.

The results are pretty astounding. It’s hard to understand why the Dr. Jackson, who’s been the lead White House doctor since 2013, would lie to the American people. But then again, think about how many people have been paid off to keep quiet about the truth of Trump. There are too many to count.

Sure, you can’t believe every single stat about an athlete that’s on the Internet. As The Washington Post pointed out, Kevin Durant is “famously” taller than 6’9″, which is his listed height.

Muscle weighs more than fat, which would help explain the discrepancies in…distribution of weight. Still, Dr. Jackson thought it’d be a good idea for Trump to go on a bit of a diet and start to exercise more.

Apparently, Trump is more on board with the diet than the exercise. On Wednesday, he gave an interview with Reuters in which he claimed, “I get exercise. I mean I walk, I this, I that. I run over to a building next door. I get more exercise than people think.” Convincing.

When asked how Trump, a 71-year-old man who loves McDonald’s (and eats it regularly because he thinks he’s going to be poisoned) and counts “walking between buildings” as exercise is in such good physical health, Dr. Jackson replied, “The answer to your question is that he has incredibly good genes.”

More than $100,000? $250,000? We’re living in a post-truth world where everything’s made up and the facts don’t matter. Guardians of the Galaxy director and author of the above tweet James Gunn actually offered to give $100,000 to Trump’s favorite charity if he stepped on an actual, impartial scale. But that was his fatal mistake. Trump doesn’t have a favorite charity. He hates giving to those in need.

The craziest thing about this is that his weight isn’t the only thing Donald Trump probably paid a doctor to lie about. He might have fudged his height, too.

There’s simply no way Donald Trump is two inches taller than Barack Obama. They’re at the very most the same height and probably at least one inch of Donald Trump’s height comes from his hair.

There’s even one of Jared Kushner thrown in there — that’s what 6’3″ looks like in comparison to Donald Trump. It’s not so much that he lies. We know he does that constantly. It’s that he lies about things that are so easy to prove wrong. Someday, one day, we can only hope, the lies will catch up to him.