Ah yes, Whole Foods. The grocery store for fancy people. A little world of its own where bell peppers cost four dollars each and bulk raw cashews are $79 per ounce. So many dairy-free yogurt varieties from which to choose. The world’s most disappointing chip aisle. (No one actually wants veggie chips, Whole Foods.) A hot bar to die for and a mile-long case of kombucha. That is Whole Foods.
Whole Foods, as far as places to buy your groceries go, is absolutely ridiculous. It is grocery shopping for status-seekers. Is their five dollar bag of spinach better than the two dollar bag of spinach at my local neighboorhood grocery store? Probably not. Does it matter? No. Whole Foods is the only grocery store with parking spaces for electric vehicles and employees who will wither you with their stares if you forgot your reusable bags and need to pay for a paper one. Whole Foods is so silly, and yet, we can’t help but love it.
When Whole Foods arrived in my neighborhood, people freaked.
It would change everything. The hot bar for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A whole ‘nother frustrating parking lot to deal with on the reg.
Half foods
What if I want to shop but not for those whole, expensive foods at Whole Foods? Are there Half Foods that I can visit?
“If I had a nickel”
This is just a really well-done joke. Well-conceived. Well-written. Bravo. I tip my jar of all-natural, sugarless peanut butter to you.
Asparagus husband
You may think he’s just a bundle of asparagus, but to her, he’s asparaGus, the love of her life.
Trader Joe’s bag
Oh, please. I use Trader Joe’s bags everywhere. It’s a status symbol really. It says, “I have no status.”
“Broken, do not use”
Not all heroes wear capes.
Nor do all heroes heed signs about broken doors.
Tracksuit
This was a few years ago at this point. You no longer have to wear a tracksuit at Whole Foods but you do get kicked out if you don’t have at least one pair of Lululemon yoga pants.
Wandering
It’s so easy to get lost in Whole Foods and spend hours trying to imagine being the kind of person who likes cauliflower crust pizza or spelt crackers.
Destroy the Earth
This is ridiculous. Everyone knows that the Earth is already destroyed. One more plastic bag isn’t going to do anything anymore.
Calm
This is great. I can understand how natural soaps and probiotics can calm you down, but Whole Foods makes me so anxious. Why don’t I know what to do with three pounds of flax seeds? Does anyone know what to do with that many flax seeds?
401k
It may seem necessary, but it’s not worth it. When you’re 90 because you’ve eaten healthy stuff from Whole Foods your whole life but you can’t retire because you have no money, you’ll regret everything.
Arm or a leg
When Amazon and Whole Foods merged, prices went down.
…A little bit.
Hot bar
I should write a letter to the Whole Foods hot bar. I am there often. It’s not especially good, but something about it is always simultaneously everything and nothing I need. That’s its own sort of magic.
$40 cheddar
That’s a lot of cheddar for cheddar! Get it?
I’ll see myself out.
Whole foods Super Bowl
I guarantee you that you will not find what you need for a fun and satisfying Super Bowl meal at Whole Foods. I’m sorry. That’s just not how life works.
Trust fund
I really don’t understand people who shop exclusively at Whole Foods. It’s great if you need a specific thing you can’t find in your normal grocery store, but it’s just too expensive for everyday use!
$10 gift card
A $10 gift card for Whole Foods is like a $5 gift card to Starbucks. Thanks for the one thing I can get.
Gluten-free nunchucks
This is a dumb but hilarious joke, but the phrase “gluten-free nunchucks” is my new favorite phrase. It’s brilliant.
Farm fresh
Um, ever since Amazon and Whole Foods merged, the food at Whole Foods is looking more and more like Amazon Echos.
Bank loan
If you need a loan from the bank to buy milk, you know that milk is too expensive. Whole Foods, what are you doing to us?
First of all, Whole Foods, it’s “10 items or fewer” and I would think a fancy store like yours would know that. That’s all I have. I’m too mad about this grammar issue to think about this any more.
Kickstarter
Listen up, peeps! Whole Foods prices didn’t go down that much! I still need donations to buy vegetables there.
Pickle spears
It’s insane that Whole Foods claims to sell whole foods and then dares to sell chopped up pickles and even walnut halves right in front of our very eyes. Liars.
Canvassers
Kristen Bell fell victim to the classic Whole Foods ploy. Canvassers stand outside because they know the people inside are rich and want to show how much they care about the world.
Overheard at Whole Foods
This is incredible. Is there a whole account dedicated to overheard conversations at Whole Foods? Because I bet it’d be a doozy
McDonald’s trash
How dare you bring that fast food waste into a sacred space such as Whole Foods?! What could have possibly gone through your mind to get you to the point of thinking that’s OK?
Robbing Whole Foods
Honestly, it’s irresponsible of Whole Foods to even accept paper money anymore. They’re just hurting the Earth with all those dollar bills.
Toilet paper
This I truly do not understand. And that’s famed TV sidekick Andy Richter making this observation!
“Whole Foods on Sunday”
Chrissy, girl, I am so with you.
Share this with someone who knows the Whole Foods way!
