Ah yes, Whole Foods. The grocery store for fancy people. A little world of its own where bell peppers cost four dollars each and bulk raw cashews are $79 per ounce. So many dairy-free yogurt varieties from which to choose. The world's most disappointing chip aisle. (No one actually wants veggie chips, Whole Foods.) A hot bar to die for and a mile-long case of kombucha. That is Whole Foods.
Whole Foods, as far as places to buy your groceries go, is absolutely ridiculous. It is grocery shopping for status-seekers. Is their five dollar bag of spinach better than the two dollar bag of spinach at my local neighboorhood grocery store? Probably not. Does it matter? No. Whole Foods is the only grocery store with parking spaces for electric vehicles and employees who will wither you with their stares if you forgot your reusable bags and need to pay for a paper one. Whole Foods is so silly, and yet, we can't help but love it.
When Whole Foods arrived in my neighborhood, people freaked.
It would change everything. The hot bar for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A whole 'nother frustrating parking lot to deal with on the reg.Half foods
[Whole Foods] ME: Hi CLERK: Hello ME: Do you...uh CLERK: Do we what? ME: Do you have any...uh CLERK: Go on ME: Do you have any Half Foods?— Todd 'Spooki' Carlos (@Todd 'Spooki' Carlos)1444085260.0
"If I had a nickel"
If I had a nickel for all the "Whole Foods is expensive" jokes I've seen today I could probably buy some peanut butter at Whole Foods.— Liam Boylan-Pett (@Liam Boylan-Pett)1497634284.0
Asparagus husband
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.— shauna (@shauna)1416520576.0
Trader Joe's bag
I just used Trader Joe’s bags at Whole Foods 365 and only apologized to the cashier ONCE https://t.co/ASAjEQgS2m— Jenny Jaffe (@Jenny Jaffe)1517895747.0
"Broken, do not use"
i just remembered the time i was at Whole Foods and a girl took a “broken, do not use” sign off the door a took a s… https://t.co/cdGqPXaOXb— elijah daniel (@elijah daniel)1550344730.0
Tracksuit
Got kicked out of Whole Foods for not wearing a tracksuit again— Josh (@Josh)1447080081.0
Wandering
I'm wandering around Whole Foods like tom hanks in The Terminal— Mindy Kaling (@Mindy Kaling)1425962114.0
Destroy the Earth
I just finished shopping at Whole Foods and the cashier did not ask me if I wanted paper or plastic. She said, "do… https://t.co/QoguGV8C9k— Mr. Onederful® (@Mr. Onederful®)1529171493.0
Calm
impossible to express how calm i become upon entering a whole foods— Catherine Cohen (@Catherine Cohen)1550780031.0
401k
going to cash in my 401k so I can start shopping at Whole Foods— Mary Charlene (@Mary Charlene)1351883372.0
Arm or a leg
So now food at #WholeFoods won't cost me an arm AND a leg. It will just cost me an arm OR a leg. Nice. #Amazon— Bill West (@Bill West)1503945245.0
Hot bar
Me: Here's my application for a second mortgage Mgr: Ma'am, this is Whole Foods M: I'll be buying off the hot bar today Mgr: Sign here— Doktor J (@Doktor J)1452480909.0
$40 cheddar
I just went to Whole Foods and asked for a rec for a good cheddar for mac and cheese, and the employee directed me… https://t.co/1Dxqk9OK0k— Akilah Green (@Akilah Green)1542510741.0
Whole foods Super Bowl
Whole foods advertising for all your Super Bowl needs is like Barnes & Noble taking care of your bachelor party.— Erica (@Erica)1453998361.0
Trust fund
Omg so embarrassing. So I go shopping at Whole Foods and get all the way to the register only to realize I forgot I don't have a trust fund.— Lurkin' Mom (@Lurkin' Mom)1474659710.0
$10 gift card
Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards. The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.— Kevin Farzad (@Kevin Farzad)1350508186.0
Gluten-free nunchucks
"In which aisle can I find the nunchucks?" "Ma'am, this is a Whole Foods" "Sorry, in which aisle can I find the gluten free nunchucks?"— jade (@jade)1421373542.0
Farm fresh
Does amazon know what a farm is https://t.co/vo0LP6gFUl— Richie Nakano (@Richie Nakano)1503932843.0
Bank loan
If you need a loan from the bank to buy milk, you know that milk is too expensive. Whole Foods, what are you doing to us?House of Chards
Who called it Whole Foods instead of House of Chards— dan mentos (@dan mentos)1425421717.0
"10 items for less"
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.— Mikey (@Mikey)1453346669.0
Kickstarter
Now that Whole Foods prices have come down, I am canceling my "Two Avocados and a Carrot" project on Kickstarter.— (((Josh Seasonal))) (@(((Josh Seasonal))))1503951140.0
Pickle spears
{whole foods} ME [screaming, hysterically breaking jars of pickle spears]: THESE FOODS AREN'T WHOLE!— rachelle mandik 🕳 (@rachelle mandik 🕳)1443116000.0
Canvassers
It's impossible for me to get into Whole Foods because of COURSE I care about the whales where do I sign?— Kristen Bell (@Kristen Bell)1440782517.0
Overheard at Whole Foods
Amazing - overheard at Whole Foods. "Um, I need to read the numbers on the barcode aloud to you. I don't want any lasers touching my food."— Lauren Dobson-Hughes (@Lauren Dobson-Hughes)1438961044.0
McDonald's trash
I threw my kids' McDonald's trash away at a Whole Foods and 2 yoga models fainted, a hemp bro started crying and no… https://t.co/LFOfU0mRLZ— Shane Nickerson (@Shane Nickerson)1524964173.0
Robbing Whole Foods
[robbing Whole Foods] "All the cash in a bag NOW!" 100% organic reusable bag ok? "Yes!" [puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag— Cemeterry F (@Cemeterry F)1440014290.0
Toilet paper
Just saw a woman buying toilet paper at Whole Foods and man it must be wild to be that kind of rich— Andy Richter (@Andy Richter)1544384349.0