39 Hysterical Tweets That Will Make You Do an Actual Spit Take | 22 Words

Twitter sure can be a miserable place to hang out at times.

Some days you may really start to wonder why you spend any of your time there at all.

But then you remember.

Twitter is also the home to some of the funniest people on the whole dang Internet. Here are some of their tweets.

This isn't gonna work out.

Good for you, fruit stand vendor! You gotta protect yourself.

I haven't stopped laughing at this for 24 hours.

I would love to see all of Taylor Swift's songs reworked into tunes about baked beans. I just think that'd be a good thing for the world, ya know?

Flawless execution.

I can only imagine that you got married immediately after this exchange. That's how love works, right?

There's something you should know.

And don't even get me started on bookkeepers. Next up is something everyone needs to know about Elon Musk.

This is actually true.

This is the only information I am willing to accept as truth. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. It will not work.

Harsh.

This is why I never refer to anyone as a "Bozo." I don't want them getting any ideas.

Best. Ride. Ever.

Whoever invented the carousel and didn't name it a "horse tornado" made a horrible mistake if you ask me. And whose idea was "merry-go-round"?! What were these people thinking?

That didn't last long.

It's probably for the best. I heard she could be pretty crabby.

For real, though.

What are you supposed to say? "Congratulations on your long baby!"? Have you ever wondered how centipedes came to be? This next Twitter user has it figured out.

Why do I suddenly feel bad for a centipede?

Poor little guy. I imagine that God made giraffes and duckbilled platypuses during this same session.

So close!

Anybody else watching Game of Phones? How about Testworld? Love that one!

"Mah wiiiiife!"

This isn't the first relationship that's come to an end because of annoying impressions. And it won't be the last.

It's a dad emergency!

Me: Dad, I'm worried! Dad: Hi Worried. I'm Dad.

Welcome to Heaven!

I also didn't correct my boss when she said "irregardless." St. Peter: That's it. Take her to Special Secret Heaven! If you love dogs, you're gonna love this next tweet!

Wrong Beethoven.

Yeah, Beethoven composed some of history's most important and influential works. But did he bring a family together?! Didn't think so.

Never thought of it like that...

Well, that settles that. I'm never showering again.

And they're off!

One Dad: I'm winning! All the other Dads in unison: Hi, Winning, I'm Dad! (Yes, I know I used that joke already, but it's not like dads jokes have a lot of variety. It's a classic for a reason.)

Get out of here, birds.

Oh, you think you're zoo-worthy just because you can fly?! Joke's on you! I'm here to see birds so fancy that they can't fly! Lookin' at you, penguins!

Duolingo is watching you.

I mean, if you're gonna go through the trouble of learning a foreign language, you may as well learn the phrases you're gonna use most often. This next tweet features a dog with the most luscious hair you've ever seen in your life.

"Give me the Sadie"

I would pay a lot of money for my hair to look even remotely like that dog's ear. ...Is a sentence I never expected I'd write. But here we are.

This is a really good question, actually.

And what about that poor little creature that Ursula uses for her lipstick? The ocean is a terrifying place.

There aren't plenty of fish in the sea.

See?! The ocean really is terrifying!

This is historically accurate:

No idea why he chose a salad. Personally, I would have asked for a pie.

You had so many chances!

Seriously. There was nothing back then. This next tweet will resonate with those who love craft projects. And also beer.

Words have meaning, guys.

You can't just put the word "craft" on things and not expect people to bring the supplies for their latest Pinterest pins. I will take a beer, though.

No, Janet.

Make fun of Janet all you want, but do you know what I like about her? She's ready to party. Even if it is 10 am. The world could use more Janets.

He had too many things to juggle in his life.

Alternatively, this is a Jedi using the Force to retrieve three balls from the garbage and fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a juggler. I prefer to look on the bright side. (And stay away from the Dark side.)

Wait a second...

Hey, yeah! Hermione even uses magic to fix her teeth, so there's precedent. I'm gonna need some answers here, J.K.

You did not have to tell me that.

Trust me, commercial. We are on the same page here. This next tweet clears up everything you need to know about horses.

Good plan.

The first person to ride a horse was either exceptionally brave or exceptionally stupid. Actually, they were definitely both of those things.

This is the only salad I will order.

Hey, can I get a refill on my fruit salad? I'm trying to be extra healthy.

Two peas in a pod.

Get you a wife who lets you finish her sentences. And her drinks. Mostly the drinks.

This is the correct answer.

I mean, yeah. Next question.

It's so broken.

The person who invented smartphones was so close to having a perfect product. If only they had stopped before adding the phone. I just want a smart. Do you like hummus? This next Twitter user sure does!

Same.

Eh, serving size, shmerving smize. That's what I always say.

#Relatable.

Hey, country music is very hit or miss. But "Before He Cheats" is universal.

This is adorable.

He even has a tie clip! That baby is going to hire him immediately.

This is mostly good news, tbh.

Sorry about your shirt! But here's the thing. I'm gonna need you to get a bunch more. And then shrink them, too.

Ultimate lifehack!

Also white, able-bodied, and attractive. You won't believe how much easier your life will be! Share this with someone who could use a laugh today!