39 Hysterical Tweets That Will Make You Do an Actual Spit Take

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Twitter sure can be a miserable place to hang out at times.

Some days you may really start to wonder why you spend any of your time there at all.

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But then you remember.

Twitter is also the home to some of the funniest people on the whole dang Internet. Here are some of their tweets.

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This isn’t gonna work out.

  via Twitter  

Good for you, fruit stand vendor! You gotta protect yourself.

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I haven’t stopped laughing at this for 24 hours.

  via Twitter  

I would love to see all of Taylor Swift’s songs reworked into tunes about baked beans. I just think that’d be a good thing for the world, ya know?

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Flawless execution.

  via Twitter  

I can only imagine that you got married immediately after this exchange. That’s how love works, right?

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There’s something you should know.

  via Twitter  

And don’t even get me started on bookkeepers. Next up is something everyone needs to know about Elon Musk.

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This is actually true.

  via Twitter  

This is the only information I am willing to accept as truth. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. It will not work.

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Harsh.

  via Twitter  

This is why I never refer to anyone as a “Bozo.” I don’t want them getting any ideas.

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Best. Ride. Ever.

  via Twitter  

Whoever invented the carousel and didn’t name it a “horse tornado” made a horrible mistake if you ask me. And whose idea was “merry-go-round”?! What were these people thinking?

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That didn’t last long.

  via Twitter  

It’s probably for the best. I heard she could be pretty crabby.

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For real, though.

  via Twitter  

What are you supposed to say? “Congratulations on your long baby!”? Have you ever wondered how centipedes came to be? This next Twitter user has it figured out.

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Why do I suddenly feel bad for a centipede?

  via Twitter  

Poor little guy. I imagine that God made giraffes and duckbilled platypuses during this same session.

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So close!

  via Twitter  

Anybody else watching Game of Phones? How about Testworld? Love that one!

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“Mah wiiiiife!”

  via Twitter  

This isn’t the first relationship that’s come to an end because of annoying impressions. And it won’t be the last.

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It’s a dad emergency!

  via Twitter  

Me: Dad, I’m worried! Dad: Hi Worried. I’m Dad.

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Welcome to Heaven!

  via Twitter  

I also didn’t correct my boss when she said “irregardless.” St. Peter: That’s it. Take her to Special Secret Heaven! If you love dogs, you’re gonna love this next tweet!

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Wrong Beethoven.

  via Twitter  

Yeah, Beethoven composed some of history’s most important and influential works. But did he bring a family together?! Didn’t think so.

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Never thought of it like that…

  via Twitter  

Well, that settles that. I’m never showering again.

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And they’re off!

  via Twitter  

One Dad: I’m winning! All the other Dads in unison: Hi, Winning, I’m Dad! (Yes, I know I used that joke already, but it’s not like dads jokes have a lot of variety. It’s a classic for a reason.)

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Get out of here, birds.

  via Twitter  

Oh, you think you’re zoo-worthy just because you can fly?! Joke’s on you! I’m here to see birds so fancy that they can’t fly! Lookin’ at you, penguins!

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Duolingo is watching you.

  via Twitter  

I mean, if you’re gonna go through the trouble of learning a foreign language, you may as well learn the phrases you’re gonna use most often. This next tweet features a dog with the most luscious hair you’ve ever seen in your life.

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“Give me the Sadie”

  via Twitter  

I would pay a lot of money for my hair to look even remotely like that dog’s ear. …Is a sentence I never expected I’d write. But here we are.

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This is a really good question, actually.

  via Twitter  

And what about that poor little creature that Ursula uses for her lipstick? The ocean is a terrifying place.

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There aren’t plenty of fish in the sea.

  via Twitter  

See?! The ocean really is terrifying!

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This is historically accurate:

  via Twitter  

No idea why he chose a salad. Personally, I would have asked for a pie.

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You had so many chances!

  via Twitter  

Seriously. There was nothing back then. This next tweet will resonate with those who love craft projects. And also beer.

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Words have meaning, guys.

  via Twitter  

You can’t just put the word “craft” on things and not expect people to bring the supplies for their latest Pinterest pins. I will take a beer, though.

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No, Janet.

  via Twitter  

Make fun of Janet all you want, but do you know what I like about her? She’s ready to party. Even if it is 10 am. The world could use more Janets.

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He had too many things to juggle in his life.

  via Twitter  

Alternatively, this is a Jedi using the Force to retrieve three balls from the garbage and fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a juggler. I prefer to look on the bright side. (And stay away from the Dark side.)

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Wait a second…

  via Twitter  

Hey, yeah! Hermione even uses magic to fix her teeth, so there’s precedent. I’m gonna need some answers here, J.K.

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You did not have to tell me that.

  via Twitter  

Trust me, commercial. We are on the same page here. This next tweet clears up everything you need to know about horses.

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Good plan.

  via Twitter  

The first person to ride a horse was either exceptionally brave or exceptionally stupid. Actually, they were definitely both of those things.

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This is the only salad I will order.

  via Twitter  

Hey, can I get a refill on my fruit salad? I’m trying to be extra healthy.

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Two peas in a pod.

  via Twitter  

Get you a wife who lets you finish her sentences. And her drinks. Mostly the drinks.

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This is the correct answer.

  via Twitter  

I mean, yeah. Next question.

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It’s so broken.

  via Twitter  

The person who invented smartphones was so close to having a perfect product. If only they had stopped before adding the phone. I just want a smart. Do you like hummus? This next Twitter user sure does!

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Same.

  via Twitter  

Eh, serving size, shmerving smize. That’s what I always say.

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#Relatable.

  via Twitter  

Hey, country music is very hit or miss. But “Before He Cheats” is universal.

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This is adorable.

  via Twitter  

He even has a tie clip! That baby is going to hire him immediately.

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This is mostly good news, tbh.

  via Twitter  

Sorry about your shirt! But here’s the thing. I’m gonna need you to get a bunch more. And then shrink them, too.

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Ultimate lifehack!

  via Twitter  

Also white, able-bodied, and attractive. You won’t believe how much easier your life will be! Share this with someone who could use a laugh today!

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