20 Waiters Share the Craziest Things They’ve Heard While Eavesdropping on the Job

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If you’re in the service industry, you probably have some crazy stories about customers. Why? Because people are nuts!

Waiters and waitresses, in particular, can easily become privy to conversations they probably shouldn’t be hearing. And that is very evident with these 20 examples of overheard conversations provided by the waiters and waitresses themselves.

Bartending, but here ya go. I had my back to two guys who’d just arrived and were about 3 beers in. They start talking about a girl and what they’d do to her, nothing I haven’t heard a thousand times until this. “Bet if we roofied her she’d do all of it” followed by laughter. I just chalk it up to s***ty humor until one suggests just dropping it in her next drink. I stepped out of the bar, had my manager call the cops, and kicked them out when the cops got there. Searched and sure as f**k they had oxy and roofies on them.Facerless

Party of 5 or 6, its a group of friends having dinner. In walks a clown. Clown starts randomly walking around the restaurant doing balloon animals for kids and s**t like that. I have no idea what the f**k is going on, we didn’t hire this guy. He walks over to the table of 5 or 6 and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for. He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner. This table now has the attention of the entire restaurant (like 300-400 people on our busiest night). Everybody just turned away and started awkwardly eating like nothing happened.did_it_right

Older couple at Bob Evans. “I just wish I could die already.” “I know dear.”nn30

Shucker at an oyster bar here. So other than all the obvious terrible jokes I get. I can say without a doubt the most f**ked up thing I’ve ever heard was a man sitting with a woman who was getting more and more distraught and the man looks at her and says ” look I told you when this whole thing started if I had to choose between you or my wife I’m picking my wife”.Generallieaight

Saw a mother take her knife and with the flat part of it wack the hand of her 2-year old child because she was drawing something with her left hand. She yelled at her “No, use your right hand. Good girls don’t write with their left hand.” This was as I was standing there taking their order and writing with my left hand.MFoy

Ex waiter. I’m walking down a long hallway carrying a tray of food. A kid comes running from a perpendicular hallway and run face first into the wall without putting his hands up. He starts crying. The dad walks behind him very calmly and kneels down and says,”Buddy, you just can’t go running into walls.” I muffled my immediate laugh with my hand. It brought tears to my eyes.McKeddle

I work in a pretty big tourist beach town, an older couple comes in one night, super nice. They were there for a while, pretty much until close. I come by to ask if they need anything. “Actually, my wife and I were talking, and since it’s our last night here, we wanted to know if you would be interested in joining us back at our hotel room?” I smiled, told them thanks but no thanks, but have a nice rest of your trip. They left me a hefty tip and went on their way.deliverydrama

“You chug that mojito like you’re gonna chug me when we get back home”plax1780

Family of like 8 or so, Grandpa is paying. He has the check and credit card in hand, and is trying to insert the card into the little plastic sleeve inside the check presenter. As I walk up he says, “It’s too tight, I can’t get it in…(smiles and elbows his wife)…sure haven’t said that in a while.” She turned bright red, said his name in that “you’re in trouble” tone and gave him a much harder elbow.somedude456

We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker’s section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time. One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him “ooooh, you’re in trouble. I’m going to tell your wife you were here with another woman.” Woman said “Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the fuck has he been coming here with?” Dead awkward silence while she death-glares at her extremely uncomfortable-looking husband. My coworker just turned around and walked away.zapatodulce

“I heard if you complain here you get your meal for free” I sidled by and politely told her that wasn’t the caseFatherchrismassdad

A girl trying to impress her date by talking about how pharaohs were aliens.Selite

While bartending a man once told me he was going to kill his boss because an accident at the cement plant killed his friend, and nothing was done to fix the problem. I also had a guy come to the bar order a bottle of O’Douls non-alcoholic beer and a shot of vodka. He did this several times and would stand between the bar and his table and pour the vodka in the beer, then go back to his table.deathtastic

Had a guy confess to banging his SO’s sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene.captaincous

When I was a waiter, people often pretended that I wasn’t there. The stories they told were crazy and personal. One woman at a table of 6 lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed viagra. “He took it like a vitamin – 1 pill every morning. He kept having erections at work and didn’t understand why.”ninja_at_law

I overheard a customer talking about someone “coming and being so much fun”. I assumed she was pregnant because she seemed to be showing a bit. I decided midway through the dinner to congratulate her on being pregnant. To my horror, she said, “I am not pregnant”. I felt horrible. I told my manager who comped their meals and I hid in the back for the rest of their dinner. Push comes to shove she refused to let the manager comp her meal and left me a $20 tip with a note that said: “I was kidding I’m due in July.”xjman349

Not overheard but saw when I bussed tables in high school: I watched someone change a poopy baby diaper directly on the vinyl booth seat, then leave the poop smeared wipes and poop filled diaper on a plate on the table!Ohmannothankyou

Heard a group of 3 women talking about how each of their 4th/5th/ whatever many marriages are going and how they treat marrying for money as their career. One of them paid with their newest husband’s black AMEX card.MistaFANG

In a Witherspoons and there was a slight lull in the Friday night noise and a buddy and I overheard a girl say “Well technically he isn’t my brother so I shagged him” to which her friend replied, “But you have the same Dad”.ElPapaDiablo

I was delivering food to a large table that looked like they were on a family reunion vacation when I overheard a grandpa asking one of the younger (12 or 13?) grandchildren if they had fun that day. The kid responded with “F**k you grandpa I can’t wait until you die.” I almost dropped all the plates in shock.Alternate_Ending74