2019’s World’s Ugliest Dog Has Been Crowned and He Is Indeed Very, Very Ugly

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If you’re going to do something, you should always strive to be the best at it. That goes for Olympic athletes, Wall Street traders, and, yes, ugly people, too.

You’ve got a weird-looking face? Make that bad boy the ugliest face that anyone’s ever seen. Give yourself a scar over your eye. Scowl all the time, even when you’re happy. I know it takes effort, but when you’re crowned the Official Ugliest Person in the World by the Guinness Book of World Records, it’ll all be worth it.

That elation of knowing that you’re at the absolute top of your game is the feeling that must be coursing through Tramp the Scamp right now, as he has just been named the World’s Ugliest Dog of 2019. Keep scrolling to see what this truly ugly little sweetie pie looks like…

Human beings are, without question, the most terrible species. We’re all over here doin’ war and not calling our moms on Mother’s Day, and yet, somehow, our dogs still love us.

After a long, hard day at the office, who’s gonna be there to lick your face until your cares melt away? That’s right, your dog. (Or, if your marriage is super weird, your wife.)

Somehow, dogs just know when their owners are sick, and they’ll get all warm and snugly until their owners are feeling better. That’s why non-dog-owning humans’ life expectancy is eleven years shorter than dog owners’ (I just made up that statistic but it feels right, doesn’t it?).

Dogs are colorblind, so I think that this dog is protecting his owner from what he believes is a terrifying clown from Stephen King’s It. Remember, he can’t tell that a) this balloon isn’t red, and b) this man doesn’t have clown makeup on.

And even with all those adorable traits in their repertoire, dogs will still find ways to surprise you. My dog, just last week, went poop two different times on one walk! I was like: “what?!”

Personally, I’ve never gotten the appeal of wiener dogs. I have known many a sweet wiener dog in my life, and they look like normal, small dogs who had their body stretched, perhaps in a torture chamber. That just makes me sad…

Take these weird small ones, with the delicate frame. I don’t want to body-shame, but I don’t even know where to start with these dogs. They simultaneously look like babies and like they’re one hundred years old.

But dogs don’t have to be cute to be lovable.

That’s what’s so great about dogs! Sometimes you find one that just fits you, and then they’re your best bud for forever. It doesn’t matter if other people think they’re ugly.

Held in Petaluma, California, each year, the Sonoma-Marin Fair names the world’s ugliest dog. It has become the de facto ugly dog tournament, so when a dog is named ugliest at this fair, know that they truly are the world’s ugliest.

There is a slight disconnect in calling it “The World’s Ugliest Dog” competition and holding it every year. Shouldn’t they be “The Ugliest Dog of 2019?” I mean, last year’s winner is still pretty ugly. Unless fame makes them pretty?

The winning dog gets prizes, including an appearance on The Today Show.

You know when you get a Christmas present from someone that you weren’t expecting to get one from, and you open it to find some socks that you’ll never wear? I have to imagine that that feeling of sudden joy, followed by middle-of-the-road disappointment, is what you get when you find out that you’re going to fly to New York… to hang out with Kathie Lee.

Wow, can you imagine getting paid $1500 just because you were ugly? Every ugly person that I know has been ugly for as long as I’ve known them, and they’re just doing it for free.

Actually, I think that Martha the Mastiff, who won the competition in 2017, is really cute because she looks like a normal dog with eight pounds of blankets dropped on top of her.

Interesting fact: Peanut was actually up for the role of the Gremlin in the movie, Gremlins. He did not get it, though, as the part instead went to a horrible looking puppet.

This dog has the opposite problem as the wiener dog! He looks like he had his body compacted, perhaps in a torture chamber. And that just makes me just as sad!

Okay, I’m just gonna call it. This dog is definitely a normal dog that died and was buried in the pet cemetery from Stephen King’s Pet Semetary, and I will hear nothing different on the matter.

Guys, this dog has no jaw! It’s like, where the jaw should be is just… nothing! I am confident that this is the being that we will all see during the End Times! He shall judge the living and the dead!

I could see why someone would think that Zsa Zsa is cute. Look at his big, strong muscles! I know a lot of people find big, strong muscles cute because when I went to the beach with my girlfriend, she kept staring all googly-eyed at the guys with big, strong muscles who were kicking sand in my face.

Sorry Zsa Zsa, but having a long, ugly tongue hanging out of your big, ugly mouth wasn’t enough to take home the ugly dog crown two years in a row.

Yyyyyyyikes. Now that is an ugly dog. Tramp the Scamp was named the world’s ugliest dog this week at the Sonoma-Marin Fair. We assume that the winner was chosen by the number of screams that were heard when he was presented onstage.

His stark, white hair is standing on end because he’s electrocuted himself so many times. And while he may have the most brilliant mind when it comes to ionizing nano-particles, he can’t grasp the idea of basic hygiene…

After taking second place last year, Scamp devoted himself to his ugliness. It’s really a testament to his determination — to paraphrase Lady Gaga, “there can be one hundred people in the room and ninety-nine believe you’re beautiful, but you just need one to tell you your face disgusts them, and it can change your whole life.”

That’s right, he buried himself under $1500 worth of kibble. Enjoy eating your way out of that, my friend — by being so physically hideous, you have really earned it.

And here’s Scamp claiming his other prize, appearing on The Today Show.

This little guy is on his way to becoming a star! And if Ed Asner has taught us anything, it’s that you don’t need to be even a little bit good looking to be a star!

I’m not going to hate on anyone’s dream vacations, but aren’t they coming from California? Living in California and taking a vacation in Florida is like eating at McDonald’s every day and then deciding to spice things up by trying Burger King for a week…

Some dogs don’t translate to pictures — it’s what they do that sets them apart. According to Morones, Scamp is one of those dogs; as you get to know him, his incredible personality seeps out.

This is actually the real point of the World’s Ugliest Dog conception — to raise awareness of dogs who have been rescued, despite looking the way they do. If someone can fall in love with even these dogs, then anyone can find a dog that they love in a shelter.

When you’re getting a dog, you can always go get a cute puppy from a mill or pet shop, for sure. But there are dogs at pet rescue shelters that can just grab your heart. I feel like you’re so much more likely to get a dog that can, not only fit with you but illuminate for you new ways of looking at the world.

Today, Scamp the Tramp is a mega-star out on the prowl in New York, spending that sweet $1500 grand prize on the finest rawhide chews that money can buy.

It’s a nice thing to remember — if even Scamp the Tramp, this weird little bugger who looks like a drunk, aged-out Hell’s Angel, has someone who loves him, I guarantee that you can find someone, too.