0days0hours0minutes0seconds

Is there anyone you need to buy a gift for this year that you absolutely despise? If so, we have the gift for you! Introducing Yellies, the toy that chases you faster the louder you scream.

This adorable little waking nightmare is available from Hasbro for the low, low, life-ruining price of only $14.99. Unfortunately, the cost of life-long therapy for your child will cost a heck of a lot more than that.

With Yellies, you can be unsure if your kid is screaming because they're angry, injured, playing with their favorite toy, or quaking in genuine terror backed into the corner as a small, plush, multi-colored spider rolls menacingly towards them with the speed and agility of a real-life arachnid.

The real question is: did Hasbro reach into my dark subconscious, combine every horror movie I've ever seen, unspool my earliest phobias from the recesses of my brain, and patchwork that amalgamation of fears into a children's toy?

Yes! They did! *Chorus of children's voices* Thanks, Hasbro!

Let's get down to brass tacks. You want to know how to turn the darned thing on.

via: Hasbro

Your Yellie "Spooder" (dear god, this is actually what they named it) will lurk silently, waiting on your first piercing screams to awaken the ancient evil that lives within its precious, compact little body. Remember to remain completely silent until you're ready for it to wake up. It can't see you, it can only hear your shallow, ragged breaths as you back towards the door, eyes searching wildly for something to smash it with.

Okay, so let's figure out how it works!

via: Hasbro

The rules are pretty simple. Talk quietly, and you can still escape it. Gentle, soothing tones in the vein of a mental health professional talking a person off a ledge are preferred. Talk louder and you risk your actual earthly life.

Your Yellie is unique... just like you!

via: Hasbro

Careful. If you think you've outsmarted it by staying silent, living like the family in A Quiet Place, you're dead wrong. If it senses you trying to remain undetected, it will randomly choose to do one of the things from its secret menu of terrifying options. Folks, we don't even know what this menu contains. It might leap at your face, or worse, just stare you directly in the eyes for a few uninterrupted minutes to show you who's the Daddy in this house.

Each Yellie has an adorable name.

via: Hasbro

Harry Scoots' veneer of civility will drop as soon as everyone else leaves the room. Do you know what he can do with that singular bucktooth? You don't want to know. It's sick. And Klutzers? He just wants you to think he's uncoordinated. He rolls around bumping into things until you're convinced he's harmless. That's when he redirects his razor-sharp internal GPS for your crotch.

Here you can see Yellies in action!

These little girls seem to be enjoying themselves (actually, are they? I honestly can't tell if those are happy screams or terror screams) until Banner the good dog comes in to save them. Good dog, Banner! Unfortunately now you've been bitten by a radioactive spider and will have to become Spiderdog.

Another satisfied customer!

This Spooder looked her in the eye right after this photo was taken and said, "Have you ever seen Gremlins? Try getting rid of me, I dare you." So what do you think? Will you buy Yellies for your kids this year? Let us know!