Life Hacks For People With No Moral Compass

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We all love a good life hack — I’ve been putting ice cubes in the dryer and throwing my old paintbrushes in vinegar for years now. But when these life hacks are simple, easy, and most importantly, morally pure, there’s no question we should use them to make our lives better.

Sometimes, though, life hacks can have collateral damage. Sometimes, life hacks can bring about more harm to others than they do good for you. And sometimes, life hacks can be downright reprehensible.

What good is a life hack if it costs a man his soul? That’s the question being answered by the Unethical Life Pro Tips subreddit, and the answer is a resounding “who cares?” Here are the best and funniest life hacks that are unquestionably unethical.

Give your kids a bag of coal each for Christmas this year. When they cry just tell them Santa is wrong and you’ll get it sorted. Once the shops open buy what they asked for. They will think you are a legend and Santa is awful. You will also get the presents for half price.gingerbhoy

This is why you always always always wear a band-aid in the crook of your arm.

If you ever get caught sleeping at your desk at work then say “They told me at the Blood Bank that this would happen” when asked for a reason.reddituser123988

If a computer illiterate relative/friend asks you to fix their slow computer, boost their cursor speed by a notch or two. They’ll instantly notice a difference and thank you!Tjetom

If you’re initiating a divorce, secretly arrange consultations with ALL the best divorce attorneys in your area before choosing one and filing. Once they have met with you, even briefly, they are considered biased and will have to recuse themselves from representing your spouse. – acvdk

If you glue a dead wasp to the palm of your hand, you can swipe your boss on the back of the head and act like you saved him.Sylocule

As a parent of a baby, smell their diaper. If you DON’T smell poop, say, “Whoa, somebody has a poopy diaper.” Then take them to the other room and pretend to change them. The next time they poop, tell your spouse, “It’s your turn. I changed them last time.”existentialzebra

If you accidentally scratch someone’s car, write a note in shaky handwriting saying you are 5 years old and fell off your bike. Then leave five dollars saying it’s all you had.PM_2ME

If you decide to adopt kids, tell them that if anyone makes fun of them for being adopted, they should say “At least I was wanted. You were probably a mistake and your parents didn’t have the heart to tell you.”[account deleted]

In your last year of college, “lose” your student ID and get a new one. The exp date will reset and you can get another 4 years of discounts.mahniij

Buy the cheapest tickets available for a sporting event. Once inside, check Ticketmaster and Stubhub for better seats that didn’t sell and go sit there.[account deleted]

You’ll get the job and a tearful hug.

If you have a significant unexplained employment gap that is hurting your resume claim that you were providing full time end of life care for a grandparent (or other older relative).squirrelbee

If you ever rob a bank, make sure to hold your middle finger in front of you the whole time so the news has to blur your face in the security footage.LeviathanGray

Hey, you’ve probably seen Saving Private Ryan. That counts.

Whenever buying something online, try using the coupon code “military”. Many sites have a military discount and don’t require any proof of military service. I have seen up to 30% off with this coupon code.A-ladder-named-chaos

Learn how to read braille and create a cheat/answer sheet for a test and put it in your hoodie pocket. You can feel the answers with your fingers without looking away from your test.snoof123

Paper due at 11:59? Nowhere close to being done? Submit a paper you’ve done for another class and then use the time between then and when your professor emails you saying, “Oops! Looks like you submitted the wrong paper” to work on your actual paper.STUCK_TO_LEG

Need friends? Create an attractive fake Tinder profile of the opposite sex, start leading on a bunch of people, arrange a date with all of them on the same time, same place. Show up as well. Announce that they must have pulled a prank on all of you and suggest you all go drinking together.actually_crazy_irl

Tell your friends that you’ve made them a partial life insurance beneficiary. They’ll feel obligated to do the same for you, and will only find out you lied if you die first.Zuke020

Every time you eat at a restaurant, vote it “unfriendly for kids” on Google Reviews, so you are less likely to have to deal with annoying little kids should you eat there again.Royal-Derpness

Starting a new job? No matter what the reality is you now have four, alive grandparents.mrmojofilter

If you work in retail make a fake e-mail and write an e-mail to your boss/store praising yourself. Works like a charm and will likely save you from the next round of cuts.bluejellybeans0711

Don’t get caught by your boss reading news or sports articles on your computer at work. Quickly copy the content of the article into an email and read it from there. Your boss will think you are dealing with an intensive email and will leave you alone.mannyosu

If your coworker calls out of work sick, you can do the same 1-3 days later. Your boss will think you have the same thing and it’s “going around the office.” In fact, most of the time, your boss will do the same thing shortly after you. It’s the fake flu.mcgonagallstwin

Want to stop spam calls from a scam company? Go to the companies website an enter in your local congressman’s office contact info and phone number. Your congressman’s office line will get bombarded with spam calls and will hopefully take action against the company.skinjelly

Add a gift card to your online order to reach the free delivery threshold, then use said card for your next purchase and repeat.AlexWasTakenWasTaken

When ordering ice cream, always ask for a single scoop. However, when the server is finished, say, “Actually I’d like a second scoop.” This forces them into matching the size of the first scoop, which tends to be bigger, since it was for a single cone.Dasw0n

Send a wedding invite to every billionaire you can find an address for, as there’s a good chance their assistants just send you a gift without ever confirming who you are or if their boss knows you.depthandbloom

Look up your buildings washer/dryer model on eBay and order a key for it. I haven’t paid for laundry in years and it cost me $8.00! Sleep like a baby knowing you’re not paying for on-site laundry.midwrestless

Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write “sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.abeannis