Toddlers Are Walking Nightmares According to These Hilarious Tweets

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You know that Miley Cyrus song, “Wrecking Ball?” Yeah, that is pretty much what it is like to live with a toddler. They destroy everything in their path. All day every day. They ruin your phones, the walls in your house, your toilet paper rolls– you name it, they will draw on it, drool on it, suck on it, or tear it apart.

And yes, that includes your soul. Between the ages of two and four, kids have no filter. They will tell you that you look old and wrinkly. They will ask you when you are going to die. They will cut you to your core with one look– they are monsters. If you are a parent, you understand what I am talking about. If you are not, all you have to do is read these hilarious tweets.

They will give you an unflinching glimpse into what it looks like to live with a tiny little constant wrecking ball.

This pretty much sums up what it is to be a toddler:

If you are the parent of a toddler, you are constantly dealing with laughter, tears, dirt, and messes, oh my!

I’ll do it myself

There is no logic when you are dealing with a toddler. You have to accept the reality of the exact moment you are in.

Oh, no!

Toddlers are either overly dramatic and crazy, or they are super smart and in tune with the world. And it switches from minute to minute, which is super fun!

Broken cookie

Um, a broken cookie is a huge deal, thank you very much. They say it still tastes the same, but you know it doesn’t really.

Academy award

Isn’t it terrifying when you realize your child can readily and easily lie to authority figures right in front of your face?

“Parenting”

It’s easy to forget that toddlers have only been on this Earth for two or three years and that sometimes you’ll have to explain to them things like what happens to your body when they put a shirt on.

Verbal gymnastics

Oh man, they are manipulative. They really have the ability to trick you and make you seem like the bad guy if you don’t give in to their demands. They’re like tiny, abusive bosses.

Cheese

I mean, he’s not wrong. I love cheese, too.

Hostage situation

Have you ever been to a tea party with a toddler? Usually, they’re three hours long and involve no actual tea.

Emotion

You know when Ron Burgundy shouts, “I’m in a glass case of emotion!” That’s what a toddler is. A glass case of emotion.

Juice

Why is it so hard to make toddlers drink water? I am going to try to convince my toddler that water is delicious and not introduce them to juice until they’re 35-years-old.

“Help”

If you let a toddler “help” you, whatever task you’re trying to accomplish is going to take at minimum three times longer than usual.

Imagination

Hey, Oscar the Grouch lives in a garbage can and he’s on TV all the time! He’s a celebrity. Anything is possible.

Scary mask

Um, this is terrifying. Someone has to go home, put that mask on, and wait for dad to get home because he really needs to see this.

One unsupervised minute

It’s so true. And by do more, she means destroy more. All they do is destroy things.

Crying

Look, toddlers cry for a lot of insane, unreasonable reasons, but this is not one of them. Some boogers are great.

Rest

They call it the “terrible twos” for a reason. When you try to rest for a second, it’s like a signal goes off in your toddler’s brain.

Fire-starter

Sometimes, toddlers say the strangest things. I wish I knew what went on in their brains. What comes out of their mouth can be really random and creepy!

Who pooped?

Like I said earlier, there is no logic to toddlers. They are full of nonsense. I don’t even know what you say to this.

Fossil Mom

Little kids are obsessed with how you are old and wrinkly and falling apart. I don’t know why. But they can’t contain themselves.

Ice cream in the dryer

It was wet! What do you do if things are wet? You put them in the dryer. Duh. What’s the problem here?

Barefoot

This is so cute. But also so wrong.

Uncapped Sharpie

I gasped while reading this tweet. Truly scarier than any horror movie I have ever seen.

Cut hair

This is hilarious and so true. I remember doing this myself back in the day. Oops.

Into the wild

If you think about it, it’s true. Toddlers are scrappy. They can’t perform a lot of basic functions, but they will conquer anything that’s around them.

Huge impact

I, like this toddler, have a terrible habit of telling someone a funny story only for them to be like, “I know. I was there with you.” It sucks.

Naked Boy!

This is a phase. He’ll grow out of it. Hopefully.

Chuck Norris

Not even Chuck Norris, the strongman of Internet lore, can cope with a regular day with a toddler. He’s got nothing on them.

Toddler dinner

Yup, this sounds about right. I don’t know if any food ever actually makes it into the toddler’s mouth.

Grown up

Toddlers are terrifying, especially ones who think they’re grown-up enough to touch knives. Share this with another toddler wrangler you know!